Cornered dog

So that's how it becomes. Me and my parents are currently in a cold war you can call it. They ignore me and I ignore them. And it doesn't hurt me now anymore. A while back, I was quite pissed with what stemmed from trying to let them know what I want to do and enlist their support, but now it feels okay. I feel that I now is empowered to do anything I wish; they will not bother me.

Thinking back, when I felt so emotionally disturbed, and tried to confide in my father, I thought he knew, I thought he could see that I was totally affected. I was wrong. He didn't. He wondered why I was so selfish, He probably thought that I was just throwing a tantrum when I couldn't get the stuff I wanted; the outcome I wanted.

No, No. Now, when I want something you cannot give me, I will no longer throw a tantrum. I am now able. I have hands. I can move. I can get those things I want. Albeit without their help, it'll be slower, I now have no need to throw a tantrum. Things can still carry on based on my own ability. That is finally a reality tomorrow with help of 2 of my friends. I understand the implications of accepting help from them, but my identity is challenged if I do not accomplish that last goal of mine myself, when I could.

I come to accept this, If I know that if there is something I want, I'll work for it with or without help. There is no more that kind of stifling helplessness in me anymore. There is so much more now that I can do. There is so much less that I need aid from people to do. In the end, if things go according to plan, I will not prove to my parents that they should have helped me. There is no need to prove them; I will not get any sense of satisfaction. Neither if should things go wrong I will sense a bit of regret. I have probably and definitely shown myself that I will be able to do anything, as long as I want it and it is purposely deprived from me.